


In Every World, I'll Find You

by kiminseong



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: M/M, Reincarnation AU, idk its like, im terrible at summaries pls ignore, its kind of a soulmate au and by kind of i mean it is but different, like there are no other characters im sorry, sorta - Freeform, they meet again in every lifetime
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-07
Updated: 2019-09-07
Packaged: 2020-10-11 12:20:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20546066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiminseong/pseuds/kiminseong
Summary: Renjun keeps meeting Lucas no matter the circumstance, and he doesn't understand why or how this is happening, but each time he falls more and more in love with him.





	In Every World, I'll Find You

**Author's Note:**

> hello !! i really hope everyone enjoys !! 
> 
> wanted to give a quick shout out to the mbh gays, esp vio for helping me proofread !!!

**China, 1368 B.C. **

A scent that was almost delicate filled the air. It was familiar to Renjun, but somehow foreign in the same regard. It was the type of scent that one associated with the dead and their funerals. It was the type of scent he begged to stay away from him like he did disease and war, yet it plagued him.

From outside the comfort of his home, which was no more than a hut, he could hear the familiar sound of strings being plucked or strummed and metal being clanked against itself to make something that he would never quite forget: music. It was rare that celebration was aflame in his sector of his village, most of those who dwell here being unable to play, let alone make the instruments. If his dad hadn’t been lost to him so early, maybe Renjun would be able to. Instead, he was talented with silks and cotton like his mother. He wasn’t supposed to be, it was more for merchants and great artisans or even the rich, but his family must make a living if their garden cannot support the crop that it used to. 

What crop Renjun’s family produced in the small amount of land they claimed to have as their own produced plenty for them, but only for them. They could not support others or passersby, even if they wanted to. Of course, those who were less fortunate, having little to no land to claim, stole from them, and there were times that farming was even proven difficult. So far, though, after one relocation, war had not bothered this area. Thieves did not recognize it. It was distant, but close enough that in two days Renjun could return with a decent pig traded for silk or metal. 

The music outside, though, caused him to think twice about the reaches of the war. Perhaps it was warning of invasion. He had heard of it, definitely, but it was typical for drums to sound. This was celebratory, he was certain. 

The heavy scent of flowers filled his nose just as well as blood and gore.  _ The flora is being used to mask it,  _ he thought. Bodies of bleeding men were carried in crates and on makeshift platforms that other soldiers carried. People from his village surrounded them, giving them gifts of food and livestock.  _ Had they fought and won the war?  _

Renjun grabbed his best silks and waited outside his hut. There was a face he was looking for, but he didn’t know if it would appear. Maybe he was among the dead, lost to blood and battle, but maybe he was among the living, walking tall, waiting to see Renjun, too. Renjun wasn’t living in the same area he was before, and Xuxi should have realized that by now. The soldiers would have moved through their old village. Their old village which was now barren and devoid of life, burned by enemy forces trying to seige what useless land they could.

Moving to stand among a group of women that he recognized as the farmers’ wives, he readied himself to watch the bloodied horde pass him by. Men whooped with what little life they had in them, women cheered to the side, patient and quiet. The children tried to greet them, but their mothers stopped them, for the most part. Renjun watched one boy walk up to a smaller soldier, his arm seemingly hurt, a solemn look on his face. 

“Thank you, mister!” The child cheered before his mother came to collect him, pushing him into the crowd of other children. Renjun smiled at the sight, something pure finally coming from the whole scene. It was then that Renjun noticed another group of men trailing behind the current. These men looked wealthier, more well-cared for during the war. These men were the reason that people followed behind, instruments and even more flowers accompanying their parade. 

And that was when Renjun finally managed to see him, leading the richest of the men carefully. He watched a farmer’s son walk toward him, someone he remembered playing with as a child, but his name was past Renjun’s head, now. He could only recall the boy that too made his way toward them. Xuxi’s broad shoulders looked bare of weight. Renjun didn’t know what he expected after the war, perhaps someone who was a complete stranger to him? Someone totally and completely mangled? Someone who had entered as a mere farmer, so definitely not someone who seemed to have a major rank, for certain. 

Despite knowing this, Renjun found comfort in seeing his friend after so many years. Only once had troops returned home after a battle, and Renjun remembered the carnage from it. He couldn’t seem to get the scent of blood from his mind. 

“Renjun?” The familiar deep voice gulped on the name almost as if it were a spoonful of something sour. The distaste was foreign to Renjun, but the voice was the same as the one that replaying in his memory. “You aren’t…” Xuxi trailed off, looking disappointed, almost angry now. 

“I am?” Renjun said in askance. He wasn’t sure what his friend was claiming he  _ wasn’t,  _ but he  _ was.  _ He was more here, here in this stupid village full of people wasting their lives that will last no longer than a dog’s, than he has ever been. He felt complete, in a figure of speaking, now that he could see his friend who had been gone so long. It was only his best judgement to lose hope. Everyone had lost hope. The farmers who had sent their sons lost hope. The mothers who would never see their children again lost hope. The lovers who would never see their loved lost hope. Renjun hated that everyone around him tended to lose hope, but he had grown so accustomed to it that it was true for him, too. 

Xuxi’s eyes widened just before the narrowed, looking at Renjun like he was an insect, something on his property that wasn’t really his, something that needed to be removed. “Renjun? It’s really you?” Renjun could feel his cheeks ignite from the meeting. He knew that the constricting feeling around his throat was by no means his throat failing, but rather tears finding their way to his eyes and his throat reacting, telling him to swallow the sob. 

Renjun nodded cautiously, trying his best to avoid the tears he could now feel on his eyes from spilling. He was overcome with emotion, like grief but in reverse. It was just the opposite. He was in complete denial that his friend had returned, but he was the opposite of angry. He was so overwhelmed with joy that it was leaking from his eyes in the form of tears, presenting his joy as sadness. And he wanted nothing else more than this moment. He wanted nothing more than to be with his friend again, to see and hear and touch him. 

It surprised him that Xuxi was the first to tears. It hurt him to have not seen his friend so long, and the first sight of him was tear-stained. It felt potent and unfair, like the two didn’t deserve what happened to them. The years apart caused them to grow, to become unfamiliar with themselves and with each other. Of course Xuxi had grown stronger. Of course Renjun had grown weaker. They were the same people that they had been years ago, as children, but they were so different that he felt worlds apart from him. 

Renjun let his tears fall, trailing down his cheek. What better to commemorate the moment than something sad, still? He couldn’t bother explaining to everyone the joy he felt, though. If he could go on like he and Xuxi were the only two people left in the world, then he would have. Instead, instruments and music, shouting and crying all hammered their way into his brain, and his head was pulled from the moment and into reality. 

Xuxi’s hand was on his cheek, a gesture the two weren’t accustomed to until the last days they had spent together. He wiped away a trailing tear, and Renjun wanted to do the same for him, but he spoke, and Renjun wanted to believe he was born like those lucky children that would be put down when they first came out of their mothers: unable to hear or comprehend. 

“I have to leave again,” he whispered into the air between them. His breath was warm in the cool air, rain having just fallen the night before. Renjun let out a shaky breath. Somehow, his tears stopped, and he didn’t understand why. He was sadder than ever now, but he only wanted to cry joyously. Now he was feeling grief. He wanted to deny, to yell, to bargain. He wanted to cry but instead his throat coiled and it  _ stayed  _ like that, and that strain, that pain, was so suiting for the moment Renjun almost wanted to laugh, but he could hardly make out words. 

“It is like you were never here, then?” His words confused Xuxi. He was there, standing in front of him, but now all Renjun saw was another stranger, leaving again, lost in war. “But why?” he asked Xuxi. 

“I performed well,” he sighed. He  _ was  _ lost to war. He couldn’t even deny it. Renjun couldn’t even pretend to be surprised. They liked to trap prisoners, steal the talented. They tainted those who were most promising, propounding them with considerations of greatness only to keep them convicts, convicted only of obedience. But Renjun was even less surprised that his friend was just as talented as he knew he’d be. He could bet his property on half of the farmers’ sons having died, but Xuxi? Xuxi was  _ perfect _ . Renjun should have known that he was going to make it back. 

Renjun gulped to clear his throat, hoping it would stop tightening, but it never did. “When do you leave?” he sounded hopeless. He was. 

“I was told,” Xuxi sounded hopeless too. Renjun wasn’t lucky enough to have his ears be failing him just yet, “to say my goodbyes now, so I can leave in a few moments.” 

“So this is it?” Renjun finally cried. His damned tears finally fell from his eyes, and he finally cried.  _ Thank god _ , he thought. At least Xuxi would know he would miss him. Renjun wanted his memory of him to be something more splendor than this, but he has learned to make do all his life, what would make him stop now? 

Xuxi only nodded solemnly. There was nothing more to say. Renjun couldn’t regurgitate feeling to be able to show Xuxi the sadness that mapped its way through his bloodstream. He couldn’t  _ show  _ him the feeling of his chest beating so quiet that he thought he might keel over and die of sorrow and agony. He didn’t know the words that would tell him that there was something more to Xuxi leaving that made him feel as if his own soul was gone, separated from his body. They were two different entities now, and he wasn’t regaining their union. 

“Please remember me.” 

  
  


**China, 701 B.C.**

The smell of flowers wafting through the air was something Renjun had grown used to. Crafting tea, brewing, and serving it were just other parts of the job. Really, Renjun enjoyed the scent. When he was younger, he’d had a thing for flowers. Not only were the aesthetically stunning, but the smell that derived from them, especially once they were opened, was beautiful. He pressed them between parchments and hung them, decorating the tea shop his parents owned. Although he could make the tea just as perfectly as his mother as well as farm the crop just as efficiently as his father, he preferred serving it as himself. 

There was something about the different people that came in and requested a drink. They didn’t know what they were ordering, they were just curious for something to try, something to find. He knew the women that came in regularly, what they had already tried and which were their favorites, but they didn’t know the names of any of them nor did they bother to make time for Renjun to tell them. He didn’t mind, though, because he really didn’t  _ expect  _ anybody to be curious about the teas nor the flowers he had so carefully decorated each curtained compartment with. 

It was impossible to completely enclose the rooms, so, rather, curtains were hung in each space to keep the tables private. There was nothing wrong with that, Renjun didn’t think. He had only been to a few places that managed to keep the rooms separated. Not even hot springs had this luxury, as people believed that it was a fun social activity. Renjun agreed that, yes, it seemed fun, but he could not say that he particularly enjoyed the event. 

It was after he served an aged man, bald but maintaining a beard, that another entered. The man was tall, much more so than Renjun, which wasn’t particularly typical from what he had seen usually. The people he knew well only had some height on him. Despite this, he treated him as usual, bringing him the same teas so he could place his request. 

He recoiled in distaste to the green tea, which Renjun would live with, but his family’s tea was always wonderful, such a reaction was quite insulting. Renjun didn’t speak as he watched the man make his choice. Man? Boy? His face was young; Renjun couldn’t tell. 

He seemed pleased with the white tea. He continued trying the rest, pointing at the white. “Which is this?” he asked. Renjun bowed at first, surprised to hear a question asked of him opposed to a distasteful  _ “this”  _ which he had grown so used to. 

“Sorry,” Renjun apologized, “It is the white tea, sir.” The boy smiled, deep and toothy. It was in Renjun’s best judgement to refrain from staring, though he could not argue that the boy was easy to look at. His face was undeniably handsome, Renjun began to notice. He probably had a wife, just as Renjun’s parents wished he did. 

“I’d like some, if that is alright?” he asked politely. This time, Renjun continued his bow, following through. He left, closing the curtain and leaving the man by himself. He retrieved the tea for both customers from his parents, delivering oolong to the old man in the other area, and he carried the white tea to the closed curtain that hid the other boy. 

“Here,” he set the small tray down on the table in front of the two. The tall boy seemed so small sitting on the floor while Renjun stood. Maybe that is why he asked him to sit, but Renjun would never have a straight answer. He knew he’d always be stuck wondering why he wanting Renjun to sit with him, to drink with him. 

“Sit.” 

Renjun stood blankly, only blinking after the boy repeated himself. He must look silly, certainly, but nobody had ever asked him to sit with him. Not even his own parents wanted to let him sit and enjoy the tea he served to others daily. “I…” he began, fumbling from his lack of words. 

“You don’t have to, and you might not be accustomed to it, but please, sit.” Renjun nodded, carefully taking a seat across from the boy. His legs were crossed on the mat underneath him, the table now much more level. Even the other boy’s torso managed to size him up now that they were level once more. 

“Thank you,” the boy bowed his head lightly, quite informally. Still, Renjun didn’t mind. “I’m Xuxi,” his smile was wide and toothy, yet again. Renjun let himself smile upon seeing it again. He didn’t want to seem rude, not to someone who was being so kind. Now that he was sitting in front of him and the two could see eye-to-eye, he noticed something familiar about him. It was like a second meeting. Like a rendezvous of sorts. Like they had  _ met before.  _

“You seem familiar…” Renjun mumbled carelessly. Renjun thought Xuxi heard him, but he didn’t say anything if he did. “My name is Renjun.” 

Xuxi’s smile didn’t falter, and Renjun could feel his face paint itself a light shade of pink. He found himself staring, now. There was nothing better to do. “That is a cute name for a cute face,” Xuxi said while pouring himself the tea from the tray. “Do you want some?” he tilted an empty cup toward Renjun. 

Renjun didn’t know how to react to any of it. He wanted to reach out to feel the boy, make sure he was tangible and real, but he couldn’t. Not only would it be incredibly inappropriate, but somewhat frightening. His face was heated completely now, probably quite red. He stammered before finally nodding, “I can pour it, yes.”

Xuxi watched as he lifted the bowl, shaped to easily pour, and poured the hot liquid from it. Nothing spilled, or even dared so much as to threaten it. It happened in one swift motion, sure and steady. This was the only thing Renjun’s hands were sure of. It filled the drinking cup to the brim, steam coming from the top. There was something elegant about the skill, truly, but Renjun didn’t have time to think much of it, not anymore. It was so natural to him, and besides, most people ate and drank while not minding him, who served each drink like a slave. 

“Well, Renjun,” an audible gulp came from the boy across from him. “How long have you been working here?” 

“My whole life,” Renjun’s voice was so quiet compared to his.

“It is beautiful,” Xuxi’s words fell from his mouth. He was in awe with how skilled Renjun’s hands were. 

Renjun bowed his head and torso as much as he could without looking strange, “Thank you.” 

The two sat, sipping their tea for another moment before the louder of them spoke. “Did you decorate?” his fingers prodded at the flowers slowly wilting in the water at the end of the table. He would need to throw them out or press them. They were more of an eyesore with their curling edges than they were a decoration. 

“Yes,” Renjun winced. It was almost embarrassing to admit because of the state of his flowers. 

“They are beautiful, too.”

“Too?” Renjun didn’t understand. Xuxi twirled the flowers playfully, reminding him of something a couple had once done when they came once. They were getting married, they said. Renjun liked the idea of marriage, but never found that it suited him, personally. He didn’t take much of an interest in love, especially not with the women his parents have tried to set him up with. They were all respectable and beautiful as well as young, like him. But he didn’t want any of them. 

“You?” Xuxi said like it was obvious he had been talking about him. A faint smile broke across Renjun’s lips, and he liked the feeling. He couldn’t say that he was completely used to it, but he liked it. 

After that, Xuxi’s visits had grown frequent if not daily. He asked Renjun to sit with him each time, and each time the two sat and laughed, drunk off the sweetness of the energy and tea. White tea, every time, he ordered, and Renjun had thought he’d grow to hate it, but he loved everything about white tea. White tea was his favorite. 

“Do you live here?” Renjun asked him once. It was easier to talk to him, the more time they spent together. Renjun liked the way his hand flitted across his own sometimes, or when Xuxi asked to watch him pour the tea, then try to mock it. 

Xuxi nodded his head slowly, looking down at the table. Renjun didn’t mean to say something wrong, if that’s what he had done. “I do, for now,” his voice lowered. His mood had dropped completely. He was not his usual self. Renjun felt his own shoulders somewhat slump. He lost posture just as he lost smile. Both his shoulders and his lips were turned down at the ends. 

“For now?” Renjun let it sink in for a minute. Something was hard about what Xuxi was telling him, and Renjun just wasn’t getting it. It was like there was a sudden wall between the two. Between their understanding and their honesty. It had been nearly a month since they had met, and Renjun couldn’t deny the happiness that Xuxi filled him with, but now, for the first time, he was making Renjun feel worried. 

“I’ll be leaving again soon.” Renjun nodded.  _ Of course. Good things never last forever.  _ Renjun understood that, yet he still had hope that his words were some kind of dishonesty, some kind of joke. But still. It would have been the unkindest joke played on him. It was as if everything keeping him alive had sank. But he needed to manage. He couldn’t dwell on a missing stranger. 

He did not know Xuxi. They only shared hushed evenings together and the occasional morning. They sipped tea while each opened up to the other, telling secrets between their bodies that never has the world heard before then. But they were strangers. They did not know how to touch the other’s heart quite yet, but sometimes they managed accidentally, which had given Renjun hope, but that was drained from him, too. They didn’t know each other. 

Renjun placed the drinking cups as well as the pouring bowl back onto the tea tray. Xuxi always wore some of the finest silks Renjun had seen. Renjun did not. Renjun didn’t own porcelain nor give it to anyone who visited. “Why are you here then?” Renjun asked as politely as possible, but he could feel his own throat tighten around itself. He could feel the sting in his words in both the way he said them and in Xuxi’s face when he uttered them. He wanted to apologize, but Xuxi’s kindness felt like a betrayal. 

Xuxi only stared for a minute, watching as Renjun placed everything back on the tray before he spoke. “A marriage.” 

Nothing. It wasn’t specific enough, and Renjun couldn’t believe it if he wanted to. 

“ _ My arranged  _ marriage.” 

Renjun stood quicker than he had ever remembered himself moving. He picked up the tray and left, leaving the curtain closed as a sign of Xuxi’s unwelcomeness. Renjun took the tray back to the kitchen and cried. He kneeled on the floor, sobbing. He never found out when Xuxi left, all he knew was that he never came back. 

**China, 457 B.C. **

_ “A woman,”  _ His words were sharp, like knives, when they hit Renjun’s ears. He didn’t like how they sounded, nor did he like what they meant. Not that he didn’t like or respect women, though his family has taught him questionable things about them. He didn’t like that he was being told to  _ choose  _ a woman. More than anything, he wanted to naturally fall in love, like he had heard in stories, like he had seen in real life. 

It was rare, marrying because you want it, not because you need it, but Renjun wanted to  _ feel  _ the right moment. At his age, though, he feared he would never. “But why?” He knew he shouldn’t have asked, but his anger had somewhat spiked. 

_ “Because,”  _ the irrational voice spit, filled with hate,  _ “if you do not marry her, she will be sent to another family. We will lose the land.”  _ Renjun hated this. She should be sent to another family; she was his family. Instead, he let himself be manhandled, fingers of careful women prodding at the clothes he wore, his hair, his skin. They couldn’t argue that he didn’t need the powders, but yet they wished his face white. 

He breathed in slowly. He did not want to meet her. He breathed out quickly, pulling himself away from the people poking him like an animal. “Please stop,” he tried to sound gentle, but the haste in his voice would come off as an alarm, and the women would ask, they would worry, but he had already spoke. 

“Are you alright?” 

“Do you need a moment?” 

“Did you not like the silk?” 

“Shall we try something new?” 

He grew more irritated with each question. “No. None of that.” He wanted to leave, to not have to continue with the way they treated him like he was something fragile that needed to be cared for. He knew how to dress himself, how to present himself. This was all they managed to teach him his whole life, why would he still need others to present himself for him? Because he had a family name that meant too much to taint? “I want to speak to my father alone,” he looked at the man, his mouth still filled with poisonous saliva, grossly being spat at Renjun whenever he spoke. He loved his father. Admired him, when he was young. He couldn’t stand him as time continued. 

“Yes?” his father broke the silence when the room was cleared. 

“Must I marry her?” Renjun didn’t have to explain himself again and neither did his father, but he needed time. He wanted time to think, time to make a decision for himself for once opposed to his whole family. 

“If you do not,” he father replied cooley, which was rare, “another family will receive her.”  _ Receive.  _ What was she? Inhuman? 

“And what name does this family bare?” 

Renjun waited patiently for an answer, but his father took some time. Whether it was to think or to describe the situation, he did not know. 

“Huang.”  _ Was this a joke?  _ Renjun thought. His father must have gone completely mad, possibly silly. 

“Be honest, father. Do you mean to imply that she may marry only me?” 

His father shook his head. It was Renjun who didn’t understand. “No. They, too, bare the name Huang.” 

“Are they of relation?” 

“No.” 

Renjun exited, using water from a spring outside of his own to clean his face of the misery they painted on him. He informed no one to follow him, and he didn’t believe they had tried. He wished they would never come looking for him, but he knew that was a futile judgement. 

His reflection shone in the water, and his face was dripping. He had gotten the foggy spring water on the clothes he wore, but he didn’t care. Again, futile. They could be replaced, possibly with something more luxurious if his father saw fit. Or his mother would hang them out to dry.

He stood, letting the water ripple when the silk found its way onto the surface before he picked it up, lifting it from the water. Completely soaked, he wrung it out for what it was worth. It would need to be replaced, he knew, after kneeling in the moist dirt, mud burying itself on his knees. 

Renjun carried himself with confidence to a small garden that, as far as he knew, was owned by his family. He had spent more time here as a child than he had recently, but it came with a sense of comfort. He liked the scents, the mixed aromas of the flowers that grew in this off season. He liked that people strolled by, but never bothered to pay any mind, as they knew noblemen dwelled there. 

It was without fail, though, that silence was perpetuated why something greater. A tall man, broad and fit, approached, sitting on the cold stone near Renjun. Alarm filled Renjun’s head, but he seemed approachable. Nothing about this boy made Renjun fearful. “Hello?” Renjun’s voice cracked. He was staring at him, and it was strange that they hadn’t spoken at all. 

“Is this the Huang suitor I have heard of?” the man asked, his voice deep but playful. 

Renjun closed his eyes, trying to pretend that the boy wasn’t really there or that he was at least a figment of Renjun’s imagination. He couldn’t have just asked that, not when Renjun had finally found an escape. He considered his options, and honesty could have him killed. Or worse, honesty could have him captured. Or even worse, honesty could bring him back into the house from which he just came, where he would be forced to talk to his cousin about marriage. 

“I am a Huang,” Renjun gulped, fear somewhat holding onto him, but something more familiar to him as anxiety or restlessness held tighter, “but I am no suitor.” He let out a held breath. He needed to before his face turned purple from shock. 

“Ah,” the boy said, understanding. But he didn’t really understand, as Renjun had done nothing but lied. “I am Xuxi. If Renjun, the boy I speak of, does not take his cousin’s hand in marriage, I have been told I must.” Renjun nodded, more fearful that he knew his name, but could not put his face to it. Or perhaps he could, and rather lied, just as Renjun did. He couldn’t bother with that assumption, as he had already played the game. 

“Do you wish to marry her?” Renjun couldn’t help it. He didn’t want to know because the selfish side of him would much rather have him marry her than Renjun, but he also couldn’t live knowing he had the opportunity to love someone else and instead took it from the boy. 

Xuxi shook his head. “No,” he said simply, “I don’t know her, and she doesn’t know me. She deserves someone with more, too.” Renjun had heard about the other family, even before he knew their name. He had heard that they were of equal greatness with his, if not only a bit less. He had heard that the suitor was a young man, one any woman would be lucky to have. Renjun could understand where those ideas came from.

He was handsome, which was no surprise to Renjun. He reminded him of someone he remembered seeing in the past, but he couldn’t quite remember who. He was well groomed, perhaps better than Renjun even. He was definitely far more attractive than Renjun, no powder necessary. 

“I am sorry to hear that,” Renjun said, hushed. He could hear people in the pond, now. They needed to leave. “Come with me,” he did his best at respectfully pulling the boy, but of course, he refused at first. There was no easy way to hide from someone, Renjun had learned when he was young. 

“Do you mean harm?” 

Renjun shook his head. “I am noble, I am honest,” the latter would prove to be a lie, but he could not speak of it now, “I am taking you from those that live here. They may not want to see their only competition,” he lied again. His father would want more than anything to know how to find the weaknesses of the boy so he could compare them when speaking to his brother about why Renjun was the better option. 

Xuxi nodded and let himself be led. He took them from the garden and down a street. Few merchants did a double take, as both of their clothes were somewhat eye-catching and telling of their status, but Renjun moved too quickly to be bothered. He had led the two to a clearing where a tree sad in a field. It seemed perfect, the sounds of the city blocked out by a small wall of a merchant’s store. One could see incoming chariots, but there would be none on this dirt road. 

“I have to be back before sunset,” Xuxi warned, looking at the warming sky. Pink was predominant, so they had little time. Renjun wasn’t even quite sure why he brought him here, but he was absolutely mesmerized, now. One would think that it would be the beauty of the place that Renjun found so stunning, but he had seen it many times before, and it always looked the same, only different when the leaves change color or snow falls. Instead, he found himself admiring the boy. He was beautiful. Renjun saw now more than ever why people had said such things about him. 

“I must, too, but,” Renjun was fumbling over his words. They didn’t make much sense in his head, and outloud they wouldn’t make much sense either, but he had to say something. “I think your smile is wonderful,” Renjun said, his voice hushed. He didn’t mean to say it. He didn’t want to sound creepy or wrong, but he came off that way, and he knew it. 

“Excuse me?” the other’s cheeks were tinted pink. He didn’t mean any harm in his words. It almost seemed like he hadn’t heard Renjun clearly. He blinked a few times, apparently expecting Renjun to say something, but he didn’t have any idea as to how to go about what he had just said. 

“Your smile… You…are stunning?” he seemed to ask. He didn’t mean to because he was sure of what he was saying, but he had seemed confused regardless. Renjun had to let him go. He couldn’t go home, not now, not ever. He wanted to leave, to take off down the road and never been seen by any familiar face again. He knew his family would call him dramatic. He knew his cousin would be ashamed, and he knew he would regret it because that would mean he would never see Xuxi again. 

The taller boy played with his fingers, looking down at the grass beneath them. “Thank you,” he mumbled. “Should we get back to your house, then?” 

“You are going there?” Renjun’s eyes widened. He couldn’t let Xuxi know who he was, not now that is stupid mouth had said too much. It was his turn to nervously play with his hands, tapping against his fingernails. 

Renjun didn’t even want to think about the girl he was supposed to be with. He didn’t want to think about anything other than Xuxi. He loved the way he felt with him, and he had only known him for an amount of time so worthless. There was something about him that Renjun knew he could fall in love with, he just didn’t understand that. It wasn’t the kind of thing he knew how to understand. 

Xuxi nodded. “Yes,” a sorrow displayed itself across his face that Renjun knew from a mile away, but it didn’t make sense to him why he knew. “I must this girl since the other boy, Renjun, doesn’t wish to marry, yet.” So that was the excuse his father had come up with. He wasn’t ready. He never would be, not now. 

Renjun nodded like he understood, but he didn’t. He let Xuxi take him home, regardless, and he complimented much about the scenery in the village. Renjun liked to hear his opinions on the merchants and what they sold and about the people that passed them by. He liked his quick wittedness and he liked his laugh the most. 

Once they made it back, they had gone their separate ways, but anyone could read the confusion of Xuxi’s face when so many people pulled Renjun away, complaining about what mud he had gotten himself into. He only shook his head and closed his eyes, letting the women beat powder onto his skin, strip him of his clothes and redress. He frowned in front of his cousin, keeping his eyes on her instead of the boy staring at him. He could see Xuxi’s stare through the whole meeting. 

“Will you marry her?” 

“No.” 

They both gave the same answer. They both shared the same shock when they found out. Xuxi, who thought Renjun had liked her, had actually cared about her, accepted his loss, which he really didn’t want anyway. And Renjun. Renjun couldn’t conform. He wasn’t sure about it, but something told him that as long as he had met Xuxi, he couldn’t love another person. 

They both received the news that because of their decision, though, Renjun’s cousin would be shunned and shamed for being undesirable. 

**China, 220 B.C.**

“We need any eligible man from each household,” the words rang clear and unclear in Renjun’s ears at the same time. He didn’t know what to say or do or even think, but he knew what they meant. He knew that this empire was building a wall, a massive one, but he didn’t know why they needed the citizens, the working class, the poor to create their wall. 

Renjun could see the faces of men around him drop. Of course they had, there was nothing they could do about the edict other than follow. In a day, each of them would be sent away only to build a wall. 

Renjun’s father pressed a firm hand against his shoulder, eyes narrowed at Renjun, and he knew he couldn’t argue. “I am going.” Renjun nodded his okay. He didn’t want to let him, but he must. The only other option was to throw his own life away, which wasn’t a fair option nor one that was easy to accept. Instead, he let his father agree. 

He glided slowly toward Xuxi, his best friend, the only reason he really managed to keep moving with each day. His life was so pointless without him. The two were good for each other, and Renjun knew it. Renjun knew that he was meant to be with him, to spend his whole life with him, so when Xuxi told him that he must go instead of his father, who was falling ill, he knew he had to follow. 

“You can’t come,” Xuxi touched his cheek gently, a familiar sensation. The two were close, maybe worryingly so to some, but Renjun didn’t care, and, as far as he knew, Xuxi didn’t either. He liked the warmth of his hand against his cheek, and he liked how large it felt underneath his own when he brought it up to his cheek, covering Xuxi’s hand. 

Renjun could feel the urge to say something he would regret, maybe even to sob, but he fought both feelings. “I must,” he shook his head, looking down. He took Xuxi’s hand in both of his own. It was rough from years of work, and he wanted to press gentle kisses up and down the calluses on each finger. He wanted to trace the lines on his hands that people would tell him they could predict the future with. He wanted to reach toward Xuxi’s face and place his hand upon, caressing his cheek, then he wanted to place a warm kiss, a comforting kiss against his cheek. He wanted to kiss him forever, to keep him safe and to keep away from the cruelties of the world. He wanted to tell him that without him, life is pointless. 

Xuxi shook his head furiously, taking his hand from Renjun’s. “Please,” he begged, “if any part of you still cares for me, then you will not go.” Renjun couldn’t believe what he was hearing. If it was true, if they only had one day left together, and Renjun would spend it wallowing, sad and mortified that the person he was closest to in this world was leaving him  _ again.  _ He knew how many times he had lost him, how many times they had failed to live long together, to be close friends, to be  _ everything  _ that Renjun wanted. What he didn’t know was how many lifetimes he would have before life gave up on him. How many times would he be able to try and fail at whatever his task was?

“Xuxi, I love—” Xuxi’s sharp voice suddenly cut him off. His face was stern, serious, more so than Renjun had ever seen it before. 

“—No Renjun! You can’t go!” He was nearly yelling, and he was crying now. Renjun wasn’t going to be able to tell him. He never would. 

Even though Renjun’s father left instead of him, and Xuxi left with him, Renjun knew he needed to go. He was never going to be able to tell him if he didn’t tell him now. He waited a few days, which turned into a few months before his mother let him leave. Never had he expected to see a wall so grand, something so full and horrifying, right on the border of the nation he dwelled in. His lip was caught between teeth, frayed skin, bloodied and pulpy sitting on his lip. It was unrecognizable from the amount of times he let himself chew it just to keep himself aware that he was alive. 

It took another year of searching the wall before he was informed that most men died while building the wall in a mere amount of months. He had waited over a year and a half; Xuxi must be gone already. 

That night Renjun sat himself in the stone rubble of a sector of wall. It was rough, but he didn’t care. He cried, sitting on the pieces of the half-built wall. He cried until his body had run out of tears, and his head was pounding so hard he couldn’t feel anything else, and for a few moments, that feeling was bliss. He cried until he passed out, and no one came to wake him, to feed him, or offer him a drink. He laid there, dehydrated and hungry and crying until he died. Sorrow killed him, and he was finally happy, because it was the first time he got to die with Xuxi, right there on that wall. 

**China, 924**

“Xuxi?” Renjun didn’t mean for the name to slip from his mouth, but it did regardless. He loved the sound of it, even now. Even years later. 

The boy stood across from him, wide-eyed and as beautiful and breathtaking as Renjun remembered. There was nothing less than perfect about him, and Renjun could see that remaining true, even now. “Do I know you?” 

Renjun thought about nodding his head, but then he would have to make up a lie, and it would be a lie that likely didn’t make enough sense to even be pulled off. The last thing he needed was to be labeled as a freak. Instead, he just shook his head. “No, but I have heard of you.” 

He wasn’t lying, he just hadn’t heard of him yet. Renjun was lucky that he was speaking to a nobleman. He was even luckier that he wasn’t one himself. There would be no competition, no one else involved. He could speak freely to him, as long as Xuxi allowed it. He hoped he would. 

It made sense to Renjun that Xuxi was reborn with nobility. He had died for his country yet again, building something huge. Something stunning, now that Renjun has seen more of it. Renjun understood why he was born a peasant again, the son of a merchant. He had accomplished nothing. he didn’t deserve anything grander than this life. 

“Ah,” Xuxi exhaled, still somewhat puzzled. Renjun had slipped up, but he was confident this time. He wanted to get it right this time. “Can I have your name, then?” 

“Huang Renjun,” he smiled. Xuxi smiled back. He wasn’t doing anything wrong. 

But he had assumed completely wrong. He grew used to seeing Xuxi at his father’s shop, now. Renjun was lucky that at this point he knew what caught Xuxi’s interest, what drew him in. He would take frequent visits, even if he was noble. He took some strange interest in the silks and metals. They were beautiful, each crafted by hand and carefully made. He liked that Xuxi rarely left with anything new, though. He knew that he shouldn’t be. He already had much nicer at home. 

That was likely one reason as to why Xuxi was so surprised when Renjun slipped a metal object into his hand, careful to keep it concealed. “Keep it,” Renjun said in a whisper, “I made it for you.” 

It was a small piece of metal, silver colored adulterated with a nickel core. The face of it was a small bud, one that was supposed to resemble the flowering portion of a white tea plant. The back simply had their names on it. it was nothing special, as Renjun wasn’t particularly talented in terms of metalworking, but the knowledge he had retained from the many years he has been able to retain knowledge is amazing. There are so many things he still wishes to learn and know, like how they spoke in the neighboring countries as well as what those places were like. He wanted to know how much of the world there was.

He had never met a European, but he had heard stories of them traveling. He learned to read when he was noble, and writing has developed so much, but he still understands every word of it. He still wishes there was more to learn, though. He wishes that he could have an infinite amount of lifetimes until he finally found himself pleased with what he could learn. He knew more about history than anything. He was apart of it. 

“Thank you,” Xuxi smiled, reading the back of it carefully. “Your writing is beautiful.” 

Renjun blushed. He’d remade it many times because it was so difficult to letter then characters accurately and as neatly as he wanted. Metal was difficult to work with, and Renjun housed a newfound admiration for those that produced the things of metal. They worked long, hard hours in terrible heat and must always be alert and fully concentrated. Renjun had made nothing more than a piece of metal that was mere centimeters in diameter; he couldn’t imagine the time someone would spend on something much more grand. He was happy with his piece, regardless. 

“Thank you,” Renjun blushed, “You’re kind.” 

Renjun met with Xuxi again, two days after he gave him his gift. At his father’s shop, Xuxi looked around, taking an interest in the silks, the styles and patterns. “Do you need help?” Renjun asked him. Xuxi looked somewhat tired, but Renjun tried to assume the best. 

“Which one is your favorite?” Xuxi asked him suddenly, not necessarily replying. 

Renjun didn’t need time to think about his answer. He smiled, pointing at some of a deep red-orange color. Yellowed dragons decorated the front, white flower petals dancing around the entire bodice. White and blue ocean waves decorated the beginning of the cuffs, flowing into a smooth pattern of blue, orange, red, brown, and white lines. It had always been Renjun’s favorite. 

“Can I have it?” 

Renjun’s eyes widened a bit, but he managed to stammer, “For the price, yes…” 

Xuxi left with it that day, and he got married in it the next. He still visited Renjun as he could. Renjun still enjoyed his company. 

**China, 1788**

The air was stagnant and somewhat cold, and Renjun already regretted choosing today to take Xuxi out, but there weren’t too many other options. It was years ago that the Great Wall became everything that it is now to them, and Renjun wanted nothing more than to see it. It was so full, so grand, Renjun was nearly intimidated by the scale of it. 

_ “There is a story, Renjun,” his mother said to him once when he was young, “that there was once a couple that loved each other so much.” Renjun couldn’t help but giggle at how she began the story. Renjun would hope a couple loved each other. They were a couple.  _

_ “Yeah?” he asked, eyes curious. He used to interrupt her stories a lot. He learned better the older he got, but he used to not be able to stop himself from interjecting.  _

_ “Be quiet.” Renjun nodded at the instruction. “This couple,” his mother began using her storytelling voice. She didn’t like when Renjun told her she was using it, but, at least to him, it was much different than his usual tone of voice. “This couple lived very close to the Great Wall.”  _

_ Renjun nodded along with each word she spoke, telling him the tale of a couple who suffered the man going to the great wall, but a year later, his wife followed him. “She was foolish, no kidding, but she was young and in love. Truly, deeply in love.” Renjun smiled. There was something about being  _ that  _ in love that he looked forward to.  _

_ She continued her story, telling of the man’s death during the construction of the wall. She mentioned how the wife wept for so long while sitting on the while, allegedly where he had died, that she had cried herself to death. The story was familiar to Renjun, even while he was so young. Renjun knew that the story was somewhat false.  _

_ “A woman?”  _

_ “Well of course, Renjun. Where have you been the whole story?” his mother asked him jokingly after he asked. He was frowning now, unhappy with the veracity of the story. It didn’t matter. He couldn’t convince her of the truth, especially the not so young. At his age, he could hardly comprehend it all, but as he began to realize how much about the world he already knew, he understood better and better. He was the woman in the story, so desperately in love that he cried himself to death.  _

“It is beautiful,” Renjun smiled, his hands pressed against the cold stone, looking out into the open. One could see for ages across the wall, but even in the vastness of the wall making the rest of the world seem so small, Renjun could only think about the boy next to him. 

Xuxi hummed, agreeing. Renjun knew what he should be doing, knew what he had to do with the boy, but he couldn’t bear the thought of it. What happens when it is all over? What if there is really an endgame. Renjun would be happiest living endlessly with Xuxi. Deep down he knew, though, that he would never be truly happy if he never said how he truly felt. 

“You know there was once a story,” Renjun started. He knew by now that a lot of people had heard the story, but not in the truth that Renjun was going to tell it. “These two friends were very close. They did everything together, even died, you’ll realize.” 

“Way to spoil the end, Renjunnie!” Xuxi exclaimed. He didn’t mind, though, Renjun could tell. He was smiling, leaning against the edge of the wall, enthralled by Renjun’s words. Occasionally people would pass by, but neither of them paid any mind. 

“Anyway, one day, one of them was ordered to aid the construction of the wall. Lots of laborers were ordered to do so, really,” Renjun explained whole-heartedly. He could still feel the pain of seeing Xuxi’s face, knowing it was the last time he would see him in that life. But that was then, and this is now. And Renjun knows that he still has another chance. 

“So one of them went. And the other stayed back. Oh he was miserable without him.” 

“He? The story is about two boys?”

Renjun nodded, continuing, “About a year later, the boy who stayed home left to find his friend. When he made it to the wall, the realization hit him. There was no way his friend was still alive. He died that night, crying, mourning the loss. He suffered for so long on that pile of stone. They say both of their bodies are buried in the wall.” 

Xuxi stepped back at that, which was scary itself, since he was so close to the edge. Renjun gasped, catching his arm. He wasn’t going to fall off, the sides were too high for that to happen, but there was a fear factor just now, regardless. 

“That story was gruesome,” Xuxi pouted. “It was a lot like the one about the couple.” 

“It was… It was the truth about the couple, actually.” Renjun tried to tell him, but Xuxi only rolled his eyes. It didn’t matter if he believed him or not. Renjun had told him the truth. “Xuxi?” Renjun asked, his voice suddenly light and emotional. He didn’t know what to say, his mouth was acting on impulse. 

“Yeah?” his friend stood straighter, tilting his head. 

The breeze blew lightly, rustling their hair gently. Renjun couldn’t stand how handsome his friend was. He couldn’t stand how he always had to call him a friend. He wanted to reach his hands around his neck and kiss him for what he was worth, but he knew that he couldn’t do that. Instead, he placed his hands on the side of his thighs, eyes looking down. He really didn’t know what to say. What he wanted to say was easy; he wanted to be honest. Being honest, was  _ not  _ easy. 

“Nothing.” 

**South Korea, 2019**

Renjun smiled down at the floor, thinking how lucky he was to be here with all of his friends. Maybe the constant teasing was irritating, and Jaemin’s flirting was old news, and Hyuck singing loudly in the other room was bothersome, but Renjun wouldn’t ask for anything else if he had the chance. He knew there was so much more to each of them, so much love inside of all of them. He was proud to see them so happy and healthy, so successful. 

“Hyung?” Renjun asked, seeing Lucas standing in front of him. He remembers the first time he met the boy like it was yesterday.  _ Xuxi  _ played across his lips so many times in a day that he couldn’t even count it, but he liked the sound of Lucas a lot. It suited him. And there was no doubt in Renjun’s mind that this was him. He was still in love with him, even now. It never failed that he would fall for him over and over again. 

“Hm?” he smiled that same big, toothy smile.    
  


“Your recording came out well. I am really proud of you!” he tried being uplifting and positive. He tried pushing the obvious out of his mind. It wasn’t hard to do it, either. Sometimes it felt natural to be with Lucas, not with Xuxi from years ago. He liked being with Lucas. There was something about him that changed. He was an open book of the sweetest chapters Renjun’s eyes had ever danced upon. Each of his words was honey-coated and sweet like himself. Renjun really couldn’t ask for anything more. 

“Thanks, Injunnie!” Lucas’ head bent down to Renjun’s and he placed a kiss atop his boyfriend’s head. “You’re too sweet!” 

“Whatever!” Renjun jokingly scoffed. 

Renjun knew he was lucky because he had been given so many years to finally realize who he was supposed to fall in love with, and he was even luckier because every time, he did. He knew that it was perfect this time. He couldn’t ask for more. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading !! I really hope you enjoyed and comments and kudos are always appreciated but not required! 
> 
> If you didn’t catch on, each timeline played into the next somehow, and Renjun was the only one who could remember anything from his past lives. Karma played somewhat of a role in this, so their like… “status” improved or dropped based on certain things, if you noticed. The last thing I wanted to explain was that their relationship in each timeline was based on what happened in the one before it, so like… if they were friends, but someone died...then they met again as strangers? I hope that all makes sense. I just wanted to explain my reasoning for doing some things that I did.


End file.
